Anyone who reads this blog should be well aware of my distaste for leadership paradigms that operate under a corrupted nature of rule. They will probably sense my angst as I wrestle with this in my ongoing quest to find an “ecclesial we.”
Over the past two years of detox from church I am discovering a lot of things about myself that are making it difficult for me to find this elusive place. As a person committed to the emergent conversation and participating in it from way out on the periphery, I am convinced that Christ is building his church and the gates of hell will not prevail against it. I am finding a creative place for thinking and reframing my own convictions. I am being challenged, convicted, edified and pushed to be more faithful in the way I live my life as a follower of God who claims to be “in Christ.” In the writings and ecclesial dreams of so many people who are involved in this conversation I am beginning to find room to breathe and hope for the future.
The problem for me is that where the rubber meets my road I simply cannot find that This is leading me far away from the green pastures and still waters and into some deep, turbulent places. It creates “either/or” thinking that makes me uncomfortable. Something has got to give or I am going to either be crushed or torn apart. And the longer I look at the situation the more overwhelming it becomes. It was hard enough to search for an “ecclesial we” when all I was looking for was a “generous orthodoxy” and a “deep ecclesiology.” Add into the mix “sustainable living,” “multi-generational,” and “open-source” and you would be better off searching for Big Foot or the lost continent of Atlantis.
I will admit that I am growing weary. The first year of “detox” was good for me. The second year was not. I had lunch yesterday with a friend who is on a journey that, while much different from mine, has a lot that is similar. We are asking a lot of the same types of questions. We are finding a lot of connection in our shared answers. But in the end we are both faced with the reality that the “ecclesial we” that we are looking for cannot be found with in our horizon. The rubber does not meet the road in our worlds.
So for the hundred-zillionth time I looked into the face of the possibility that this “ecclesial we” is something that needs to be created instead of discovered. And in so many ways that has been what we are attempting to do at Missio Dei. And after two very long years we are finally putting some flesh to the various dreams of the small group of people who contribute to this. We are more real today than we have ever been. But while it is becoming more and more real to me, the things that I think make this group so unique are still very intangible to almost everyone else I talk to. My immediate family, friends, neighbors, coworkers? If Missio Dei is a representation of the body of Christ it is one that many of the people in my circle of influence cannot touch in any meaningful way.
And then it hits me that I am not a person who can create this. As much as I want to believe that I am capable of discovering it, I am beginning to doubt that as well. And so I am beginning to believe that the problem is not with the object of the quest. The problem is the subject–the problem is me. I do not have the strength, courage, energy, skills or gifts to lead or facilitate in this process. I have talked to a lot of people over the past two years who believe that somehow I can play a role in the forming of a new “ecclesial we.” I almost believe it myself. But after two years the only thing I have to offer is something that they do not want or need. And I find it difficult to articulate some of the nuances of my ecclesial dream without crossing the line into the corrupted nature of rule. I feel like I am being pushed into first chair and when ever I feel that I resist. I am finding that I am much more comfortable in second of third chair. Some who are more mature and objective refer to this as self-sabotage. You say “to-MAY-to,” I say “to-MAH-to.”
So I continue to feel lost but now I am asking questions that I was not able to ask two years ago. I still can’t answer them but I am getting better at asking them. Smells to me a lot like progress. In the meantime, I still am trying to figure out how to fit in all of this AND find a way to include my family, friends, neighbors, etc. Finding an “ecclesial we” that only contains people who look like, think, feel, process and live like me does not appeal to me. I remember reading a great quote not too long ago that anyone who says they want to meet you in the middle are already assuming that they are at the center. I think that is so true in my own case. I can look at almost any ecclesial community and see a reason why I cannot feel comfortable there. Too conservative, too liberal, too “evangelical,” not “evangelical” enough, too hierarchical… The list goes on and on. And I am fairly confident that I could articulately defend every single one of them. But what do I gain in that victory?
Maybe it is time for me to just lay down my dream and let it die. Maybe when I finally let it go I will find that what I am looking for is all around me. Maybe the ecclesial community I am looking for is really looking for me? ?? I like the idea that if I humble myself enough to accept that my adoption into this family is out of my control I may find it. But in the secret dark night of my soul I doubt there is any ecclesial family who would want me. Maybe I was born to be an orphan and a stranger in a promised land.
Tags: "open source"
James,
I know where you’re coming from. The waiting really is the hardest part.
At times like these, I go back to the Old Testament and look at people like Abraham, Ruth, Joseph, Daniel, Moses, Jacob, Nehemiah, Joshua, etc. These guys didn’t wait years for God’s promises, they waited decades, sometimes even lifetimes for Him.
Two years in the context of a lifetime is nothing.
Bob,
Thanks for the comment. I appreciate it very much.
I think the frustrating part for me is not so much the waiting but the strange thing that everywhere I go lately it seems people are all wanting the same thing but no one is actually getting around to doing any thing about it. Either that or it is always six degrees of separation away.
“My friend’s sister has a cousin whose boyfriends mom goes to this church that is exactly what you are looking for.”
me: “Really! where is it?”
“I think in Neverland. It is a suburb of Narnia I think.”
me: “How can I get there?”
“I don’t really know. I have never been there. But I hear it is very nice…”
What’s that quote….
Then he said to his disciples, “The time is coming when you will long to see one of the days of the Son of Man, but you will not see it. Men will tell you, ‘There he is!’ or ‘Here he is!’ Do not go running off after them. For the Son of Man in his day will be like the lightning, which flashes and lights up the sky from one end to the other. (Lk 17:22-24 NIV)
Rest and be.
The fact that so many people are feeling the same thing should be an encouragement rather than a frustration. The Holy Spirit is at work mightily in His people. There’s no denying that. Now, (I need to) put aside the critical nature and focus on what He is doing.
(I don’t know if I’m telling you this or myself…I know I need to hear it.)
Your second-to-last paragraph sounds like the Seinfeld Syndrome. You know: how Jerry, George and Elaine could never settle on the right significant others. I’ve had many of them on my quest for the ideal church.